Writing
How to write about difficult memories in a life story
· 6 min read
Separate the two decisions. Write the difficult passage first without deciding whether it goes in the book, because merging drafting and publishing into one choice is the most common reason people abandon a life story altogether. Draft hard material later in the process, after several months of easier writing has built momentum, and decide about inclusion only once the rest of the book exists.
Drafting and publishing are two different decisions
Most people stall on difficult material because they are trying to answer two questions at once: can I write this, and should anyone read it? Held together, the answer is usually no, and the whole project stops.
Held apart, both become manageable. Write it into a document nobody will see. Decide about inclusion months later, when you are calmer and the surrounding chapters exist to give it context.
Leave hard subjects until later in the process
There is a practical reason oral historians do not open with grief. Confidence and fluency build over weeks, and material that feels impossible in week one is often approachable by month four.
Answering thirty straightforward questions first is not avoidance. It is how most people reach the point where the harder ones become possible.
Write what happened before writing what it meant
Difficult passages get stuck when the writer reaches for significance immediately. Meaning is hard to summon on demand and tends to produce generalities.
Describe the concrete instead: where you were, the time of day, what was said, what you did next. The meaning generally emerges from the detail without being stated, and readers trust it more when it does.
What about living people?
A life story is your account, and other people appear in it. Some considerations that keep this from becoming a problem later:
- Anything you write about a living person should be something you would say to them. Not something you have said, necessarily, but something you could.
- Describe behaviour and its effect on you rather than assigning motive. What someone did is yours to report; why they did it usually is not.
- If a passage concerns someone still living and still close, ask them before printing. Most say yes, and the ones who say no would have found out anyway.
- A family book circulates further than expected. Assume everyone mentioned will read it.
It is allowed to leave things out
A life story has no obligation to be complete. Nobody is owed an account of your worst year, and omitting it does not make the book dishonest.
The one thing worth avoiding is writing around a subject at length without naming it, which readers notice and find more unsettling than either including it or leaving it out cleanly.
Common questions
- Should I include painful events in my life story?
- Write them first, then decide separately whether to include them. Treating drafting and publishing as one decision is the main reason people abandon life stories entirely.
- How do I write about someone who hurt me?
- Describe what they did and how it affected you, rather than asserting why they did it. Behaviour and its consequences are yours to report; motive is speculation and reads as such.
- Do I need permission to write about family members?
- Not legally, for ordinary recollection, but a family book circulates widely and everyone named will probably read it. Asking first about sensitive passages usually costs nothing and prevents lasting damage.